I can really, really relate to this Lori. My dad died in January. He was NOT a good person. His abuse of my sisters and I was indescribable. Had it happened in modern day and not in the 70's, he would have went to prison. My mother was a narcissistic enabler. I had learned over the years to compartmentalize much of my trauma, but found later on how that was not serving me well. I too was a very latently angry person. When my anger spilled out, it was frightening to most people. It drove me to towards my addiction later on in life.
I am still trying to close out my dad's estate (idiot lawyer). Then 11 days ago, my sister died. Literally of a broken heart. I am once again dealing with so much anger. We weren't even close anymore, but just the thought of children having their childhood's ripped from them and having to go a lifetime with that trauma leaves me with such profound sadness and yet, this rage that can't really be placed anywhere.
Then the church comes to mind. It becomes so raw, such a festering wound. My youngest son tells me of things people said to him. I have to be somewhat silent. For what may come out would not be who I am (and yet it is who I am) but it would be an explosion of my pain. And it may land on someone with all its fury. This would serve no purpose, and that someone would surely learn nothing.
So like you, I am writing in other venues. I am sharing with other broken people. I am helping them to unlock their trauma now before they become a 60 yr old that tried to bury it for decades only for it to come breaking through, and then you have to deal with all the damage that was caused from keeping it locked up for so long. AND I am speaking up to all the conflict avoiders that keep enabling the abuse. It is YOU that shares great responsibility; you are not innocent.
William, I am so sorry to hear of your sister‘s passing.
I understand about the festering wound. It’s like anger with nowhere to go. No accountability, no concern on the part of the people who inflicted the wound, no action on the part of people who say they care, but choose to continue supporting the institution.
I definitely compartmentalized my trauma as well, and when I couldn’t keep it all inside, people ran the other way. Yet somehow, the fact that we were hurt by the church exacerbating our trauma, when it should’ve been a safe place that represented Jesus, is “our” problem. I don’t think that is the way Jesus would respond.
No. My autistic mind, and my temperament, and my resiliency has served me well. I can look at it now, and see all the "why's" things happened, the root causes and mentalities that were behind them, etc. I at least have been able to develop both forgiveness and boundaries, as well as a healthy relationship with God/Christ AND I teach others how to find this. But yeah, the emotions and thoughts of the past can come at you like a flood at anytime.
Bottom line, I see how man's desire to steer everything to performance, so He can control his destiny (in his mind), leads to a desire to measure oneself. This inevitably leads to a subconscious desire to compare oneself to others. And once comparison is the norm, competition will follow. And since control is already within this entire mentality, leaders believe they are doing what is best by "helping" with manmade performance RATHER than understanding that Christ taught relationally, intimately, and love based as a solution to performance. It's so stinking clear, it makes me want to scream.
We are called to Know Him (intimately) not perform to please him. Totally different mindsets that these modern churches just FURTHER enslave the vulnerable by teaching. Under this banner that they tell you is Love. Because we already thought Love has to be earned.
I better stop lol. But yeah, my mind is definitely screaming out these days
This thought really resonates with me. I have journaled to try to process my time in, as I call it, “old church”. You’re right. We don’t have to prove it. Something that has helped me in my healing is music. There’s a song called Made For More, and one of the lines says, “why would I make a bed in my shame when a fountain of grace is running my way? I know I’m yours, and I was made for more.”
This has helped me get a proper, correct view of how God feels about me.
Thank you for sharing so openly. Every time I read your writings, I can echo so much of what you’re saying. It kind of proves what you said, that you don’t need to write to try to prove what happened, because others who experienced it know. I know, and I hear you, and I’m with you.
Teresa, thank you so much for your response. Every time somebody says they relate to what I write, I feel both validated, and sad for the other person, because I know they have felt some of what I have. I hate that people don’t understand and feel justified in the way the church has treated some of its most vulnerable members. Thank you for sharing that song… I’ll have to go find it and listen to it. 💙
I can really, really relate to this Lori. My dad died in January. He was NOT a good person. His abuse of my sisters and I was indescribable. Had it happened in modern day and not in the 70's, he would have went to prison. My mother was a narcissistic enabler. I had learned over the years to compartmentalize much of my trauma, but found later on how that was not serving me well. I too was a very latently angry person. When my anger spilled out, it was frightening to most people. It drove me to towards my addiction later on in life.
I am still trying to close out my dad's estate (idiot lawyer). Then 11 days ago, my sister died. Literally of a broken heart. I am once again dealing with so much anger. We weren't even close anymore, but just the thought of children having their childhood's ripped from them and having to go a lifetime with that trauma leaves me with such profound sadness and yet, this rage that can't really be placed anywhere.
Then the church comes to mind. It becomes so raw, such a festering wound. My youngest son tells me of things people said to him. I have to be somewhat silent. For what may come out would not be who I am (and yet it is who I am) but it would be an explosion of my pain. And it may land on someone with all its fury. This would serve no purpose, and that someone would surely learn nothing.
So like you, I am writing in other venues. I am sharing with other broken people. I am helping them to unlock their trauma now before they become a 60 yr old that tried to bury it for decades only for it to come breaking through, and then you have to deal with all the damage that was caused from keeping it locked up for so long. AND I am speaking up to all the conflict avoiders that keep enabling the abuse. It is YOU that shares great responsibility; you are not innocent.
William, I am so sorry to hear of your sister‘s passing.
I understand about the festering wound. It’s like anger with nowhere to go. No accountability, no concern on the part of the people who inflicted the wound, no action on the part of people who say they care, but choose to continue supporting the institution.
I definitely compartmentalized my trauma as well, and when I couldn’t keep it all inside, people ran the other way. Yet somehow, the fact that we were hurt by the church exacerbating our trauma, when it should’ve been a safe place that represented Jesus, is “our” problem. I don’t think that is the way Jesus would respond.
No. My autistic mind, and my temperament, and my resiliency has served me well. I can look at it now, and see all the "why's" things happened, the root causes and mentalities that were behind them, etc. I at least have been able to develop both forgiveness and boundaries, as well as a healthy relationship with God/Christ AND I teach others how to find this. But yeah, the emotions and thoughts of the past can come at you like a flood at anytime.
Bottom line, I see how man's desire to steer everything to performance, so He can control his destiny (in his mind), leads to a desire to measure oneself. This inevitably leads to a subconscious desire to compare oneself to others. And once comparison is the norm, competition will follow. And since control is already within this entire mentality, leaders believe they are doing what is best by "helping" with manmade performance RATHER than understanding that Christ taught relationally, intimately, and love based as a solution to performance. It's so stinking clear, it makes me want to scream.
We are called to Know Him (intimately) not perform to please him. Totally different mindsets that these modern churches just FURTHER enslave the vulnerable by teaching. Under this banner that they tell you is Love. Because we already thought Love has to be earned.
I better stop lol. But yeah, my mind is definitely screaming out these days
This thought really resonates with me. I have journaled to try to process my time in, as I call it, “old church”. You’re right. We don’t have to prove it. Something that has helped me in my healing is music. There’s a song called Made For More, and one of the lines says, “why would I make a bed in my shame when a fountain of grace is running my way? I know I’m yours, and I was made for more.”
This has helped me get a proper, correct view of how God feels about me.
Thank you for sharing so openly. Every time I read your writings, I can echo so much of what you’re saying. It kind of proves what you said, that you don’t need to write to try to prove what happened, because others who experienced it know. I know, and I hear you, and I’m with you.
Teresa, thank you so much for your response. Every time somebody says they relate to what I write, I feel both validated, and sad for the other person, because I know they have felt some of what I have. I hate that people don’t understand and feel justified in the way the church has treated some of its most vulnerable members. Thank you for sharing that song… I’ll have to go find it and listen to it. 💙
I write as though I’m trying to prove the harm happened.