The Intersection They'd Rather Avoid

The Convergence of Religion and Trauma and Health

As I mentioned in my last article, we’re going to hang out for a while at the intersection of Religion and Trauma and Health. It seems to me that most people don’t want to go there. Three-way intersections are kind of weird, aren’t they? It can get crazy and confusing. It may be easier to travel by a simpler, more pedestrian-friendly route, like the one that passes though the spot where Legalism and Fear meet, so perfectly perpendicular. Or there is that fun little roundabout at the corner of Repression and Rumination. Or shoot, might as well just hop on the overpass at Denial Junction and avoid it all.

Forgive me for perhaps running a metaphor into the ground, but I enjoy doing it, so it will probably happen again.

I also mentioned previously that the emotional unhealth of the church (ICOC) only started becoming apparent to me after I found an effective therapy approach, ripped off the spiritual bypass Band-Aid, and started truly healing from childhood abuse. At first, I couldn’t put my finger on it. Why were certain old wounds repeatedly reactivated there? Why did they love the unhealed me more than the healing me? If the church had “changed” so much since the “old days,” why was it really no different at all, and why did I have no words for it? I could only describe it as finding “echoes” of the old rhetoric everywhere; things people were no longer saying, but they were still saying it without saying it. (I know. Don’t feel bad if you need to read that again.).

I didn’t know if those echoes were happening in the church, or just in my head. Leaving showed me that it was both. I’ve been away for close to two years now. It was necessary and healthy for me to step away from all organized religion for a time. I did not attend any church regularly for over a year, although I visited a few along with family members who were searching. During that time, I sought the face of God in other places, and I found Him everywhere. I discovered the Kingdom within me, which is where Jesus said it was all along. I’ve now been in a completely different non-denominational church for about seven months now. I am only now beginning to feel like I have gained enough distance from the ICOC to have a clearer perspective.

Decluttering in my home office recently, I came across a binder containing a copy of the First Principles Bible study series, which was once the required course of study for anyone wanting to come after Jesus in the ICOC. I’ve come to think of it as the Narrower Gate outside the Narrow Gate. The binder is unlabeled and still in good shape, so I figured it was worth keeping, anyway. I started to remove the pages for the recycle bin, but decided to look through them first, just to remind myself of what we’d freed ourselves from. Since emotionally healthy spirituality has become one of my passions, I have become more wired to notice things that impact it. I didn’t have to look very hard to see that these studies are highly problematic from an emotional health perspective. They promote practices that create and exacerbate emotional health issues, and these practices have been foundational to the entire movement. I do not intend to do an in-depth critique of the series, but to use it as a springboard for discussion of the unhealthy attitudes that emerged from it and have since become like a yeast throughout the system.

These studies have gone through many revisions throughout the years. I am currently referring to the copy I found in my office, which I guess to be 15-20 years old. It would have been distributed to all members in our local congregation at the time, so we would be equipped to go out and “save the world.” For the benefit of anyone not familiar with The ICOC Way, when it is said that someone is “studying the Bible,” it means that they are a non-member, involved in going through this series of studies (or a similar one), led by a church member, usually in a setting with at least one or two other church members. This is not your typical group-setting Bible study, though, because the non-member is the sole target of every point and every reflection question. The purpose is to convert that person to their version of Christianity. To the ICOC, a person cannot be a Christian until they have completed a church-sanctioned series of Bible studies like First Principles, admitted they were not a Christian after being enlightened by the special revelations contained therein, demonstrated repentance (the authenticity of which is determined by the other humans involved in the process, based on how much the person is able to be transformed before receiving the Holy Spirit), acknowledged belief in Jesus as Savior and Lord, and been baptized by an ICOC member. After that, they must place membership in an ICOC church. Otherwise, they are not considered a Christian, and no one is allowed to join an ICOC church without completing the prerequisite steps, or being subjected to some other intrusive vetting process.

The Word of God is the first study in this binder. Back in the day, we would typically begin there with a potential convert, unless they were already a Christian or appeared to be religious. In that case, we’d need to relieve them of their delusions right away, so we’d jump straight into Discipleship. I mean, my goodness, we can’t let them go on thinking for one more minute that they are saved, when we are already certain they’re not!

(The other exception was the prequel study, Seeking God, which was mostly for those people who had no real interest in seeking God, but we needed another study for our stats that week, so we strong armed some poor soul into listening to two scriptures about why they need to seek God. If they decided they wanted to seek Him after that, we’d move to The Word of God.)

Anyway, my copy of The Word of God wastes no time jumping into the topic of feelings. The second question is, “Have you ever heard something from a sermon that made you feel guilty or convicted? (emphasis mine) This question is the lead-in to Hebrews 4:12-13, which is followed up by the statement that reading and being challenged by the Word is meant to be painful. So, it is established early that this type of feeling is ok. Guilt is good.

Toward the end of the study, we come to the reminder in John 12:48 that we will be judged by the Word. At this point, the question is asked, “Will I live by the Bible rather than my selfish values, feelings, traditions, needs, etc.?” Yes, it says needs. As the person studying the Bible, you could not move forward (meaning they wouldn’t let Jesus save you) until you gave the appropriate answer, which was an unqualified yes. There was no discussion about emotional processing, just the strong implication that our emotions get in the way of true discipleship (except the aforementioned guilt – it all hinges on that one, in fact).

If you were doing The Word of God study, and you truly wanted to follow God, of course you would say yes, you want to live by the Bible. I did, not knowing that my “yes” would then become like a signed contract someone would pull out as a thought-terminating cliché anytime my authentic expression became inconvenient. Eventually, I started saving everyone the trouble, censoring myself before I ever opened my mouth. At the same time, there was a lot of preaching about transparency and the importance of being “real.” And of course, as a disciple, I wanted to be honest. It was a no-win situation. When you let them set you on this tightrope, you give away your power to heal. And dang it, I did. For a long freaking time.

When I “studied the Bible,” my understanding, reinforced by the preaching at Sunday and Wednesday services (and Thursday Bible talks, and Friday singles devotionals, and…) was that my choice was starkly binary:

“Deny feelings, follow Christ,” or

“Follow feelings, deny Christ.”

The meaning of “deny,” when it came to feelings, meant treating them as either unimportant or non-existent. “Following” them meant giving them any attention or consideration at all. All of that meant feeling guilty about them and begging God to forgive me and remove them from me. Having been severely punished (abused) for having deep feelings as a child, my nervous system already believed my emotions were dangerous. Now, instead of the threat of being physically beaten or bullied for having emotions I could not control, the stakes had increased to the threat of eternal torment.

I’ve taken some wild detours before, sometimes driving through a maze of side streets just to avoid one inconvenient or hazardous intersection. Sometimes we come up with crazy ways to avoid what we don’t want to face, don’t we? Like now, because as you can see, suspended above the precarious three-way intersection of Religion and Trauma and Health, we have this lovely tightrope, taut and thin and slippery. How convenient. What could go wrong?

That tightrope is where we will be walking together next time. Don’t be frightened; I’ll hold your hand.